tentang percubaan untuk melupakan untuk kali yang ke

1 November 2018

i feel like to write something about "me" today instead of moping & crying all day long thinking how unfortunate my life is. plus my devastated love. First one month and a half after i left Pengerang, i admit it was a difficult time for me. I cry all day long in my room even when i was swallowing foods inside my throat. the worst thing that could happen it's actually at night time, when i wanted to sleep but my heart & brain just kept on thinking of him.

I said it before i can't erase him and i still CAN NOT. I'm tired of trying and can't admit that i still want him in my life. I know this sounds stupid but this love in my heart is killing meyh and maybe after 5 years when i read these again i just want to punch my face saying "why you've been stupid fadzrin?"

At some times when i was alone in my room i do shouted at the walls that i hate him for making my life miserable like this. Then i cries, untill there's no more tears inside me. all left right now inside me is empty. but when the midnight comes, i whisper to the pillow of my bed that howWWww much i miss him and how i wanNNnt him in my life <----- crazy right? yeah. I know. 

To be really honest, he's not even someone that need to be blame at all. i'm the one who like him so much but he doesn't have feelings for me (i guess). and when suddenly i know he's getting marry i was mental breakdown. I don't even know what i want actually hahaaa. yeah i laugh but it's a lie. I was in pain and still in pain.

At some point i'm asking god why the heck is him that i love? Why do i have to met him on october? Why we have to meet? and i do realized that the reason why i love him is because at that time i was so lonely and desperated of needed someone in my life. suddenly i've found him and i'm in love. I thought he is the one i was waiting for, all my life. i thought he's gonna save me from the darkness but the reality is, that all just fantasy that i created in my mind.

I just want him to know, he is the reason why i still stayed there for 11 months. No matter how difficult my life is at there i kept on comforting myself by saying
"it's okay as long as he is near me. I can endure the struggle & difficulty. As long as i can see him :)"
I still remember i was crying non stop in the van on my way back to my company house that night when he said "ini meja girlfriend baru saya" and smile straight to my face. 

I do admit that i felt jealous and how i did a stupid things to that girl (ain, now have be my bestfriend. She's just 19 at the time) by wrote something on the office table by calling her "BITCH". And it had became a chaos in the office when they find out on the cctv that the person who wrote it is ME. Oh hai~ lol. 

Things getting more worst when her staffs (our sub con) came to the office and attacked our manager mr vivek. lmao. I still remember i laughed so hard at main con office (toyo) when atiqah & luqman panically told me about this on the phone. that guy also attacked me a week later when i was having my breakfast at the toyo's canteen. it's kinda funny actually when i think about it again :D

But all that just a memories, we have become a bestfriend now. Not many people know about it of course. They think i still hold grudge on her but that is not TRUE. yeah i know i kinda immature and my decission of writing that things on the table was all came from anger (+) jealousy. hew~

Ok back to the main story, i really want him to know that i was waiting for him every sunday when he was going out with his girlfriend (now become his wife) and pretended to sleep on the couch in the living room when he came back. I also really want him to know how happy i was when i saw him at his table when i was coming back from main con office at night. it feels so great to know that he is also over time like me. <---- even tho i pretend that actually i don't care but my emotions inside feels like to fly. 

I also want him to know that how much, i felt awkward and shy when we were bumped to each other at the main con office as i was running away from him. He is also the reason why, i was singing & dancing in the shower at night.  Last, i really want him to know how i was crying every night in my sleep waiting for him to say he love me too. Ok, i know this one never happen hahaa. All the silly and stupid things that i did to get his attention is useless. He never know and realised how much i need him even when he left me or passing right to me like i am totally invicible. Oh, he also need to know that i'm the one who been hiding his red shoes all these time. It makes me feel relief doing so bcs he's always ignore me and yasss i just want his attention.

Sometimes, it do feel sad when the last 2 months before i was leaving he was so cold towards me. the way how he speak to me, makes my heart hurts. It was so harsh and full of hatred in his voice. Maybe at that time he already knew that i love him and felt disgusting but it's okay i still like him :') i know i was so stuborn at the time even tho ppl already feel "ewww" towards me but i still kept on waiting. Waiting for nothing. Untill on August i was truly HURTS and the pain inside me just saying "there's no use to wait anymore".

so i packed my bags and left....


Fadzrin. 23. am the person who observe and speak with my mind. suka bajet comel and derp from malaysia, with love.